A Selfish Rant....

Sometimes I just want to scream at how selfish I am!! I just want so bad to be selfish at times and not selfless. It is such an internal struggle. One that I have dealt with for a very long time, but only recently realized how long it really has been.

It is a painful process; learning how to be selfless. One that involves faith, Gods grace and mercy, and a ton of forgiveness. Forgiveness from God, from my husband, and from myself. It is hard to give up our lives and take up the cross. It is painful to die to ones self. At times I find myself stricken with grief as I struggle through this journey and change of selfish to selfless. I have my two sides battling for this territory in my mind and my heart. My selfish(fleshly) side battling for obvious reasons. My selfless(spiritual) side battling for my essential freedom in Christ. I just want to scream!

Why is it so hard some days? I just want to be more like Jesus. More of Him and less of me. But these days that I struggle so badly with my fleshly desires, I realize how far away from Him I can be.

My Journey With The Great Companion

Where to begin. Perhaps I shall start with a brief summary of how I came to know Christ. Since I feel like my life truly began once I had Him in it.

I was 20 years old. Single. Just had a baby boy who I named Jaden. In Hebrew it means "God has heard", I didn't know this at the time. Anyways. There I was. In pain. A lot of pain. Alone. Responsible for another human life. Young. Hurting. Frustrated. Full of wounds that I didn't even know existed yet. Full of love for this child I had. But also full of hate towards this life of mine and many people in it. Full of regret and full of fear. And did I say alone? Alone! Just me and my baby.

During this time God was seeking me. I believe He was seeking me all along, but I was NOT seeking Him. I had this amazing girl friend who I had met at my previous work place- A TOTAL GOD THING. She was raised in a very good home and was brought up in the church. Well like some children do, she turned away from her parents and from God. She was also a single mom, her daughter was 9 months older than Jaden. Well my friend realized that she needed God back in her life. So she started going back to church and joined a bible study. She felt it on her heart to invite me to this bible study too.

It was kind of weird at the time I couldn't see it then, but now looking back I can. I was at the point of realizing I needed something more than I had in life. I didn't even hesitate when she invited me to bible study! And I was not the kind of girl that "fit in" at bible study! It never even crossed my mind that I might be the odd one out. I told her I was always interested in the bible but didn't really know much about it, and it would maybe be cool to learn something new. Well did I ever learn something new!!

The first 2-3 times I went, I think I cried almost the whole time. I was so broken I couldn't even speak. I just sobbed. And people prayed for me and encouraged me and just supported me. The women in that small group were amazing! My friend also got me in touch with a mentoring program at her church. I started attending church there and started meeting weekly with a women in her 40's who taught me so much about Jesus and His gift to us.

When Jaden was about 3 months old, I went home from one of these mentor meetings and just cried out to the Lord and begged Him to have me. I asked Him to enter my heart and my life because I was tired of being alone. I literally felt an instant inner change. It was AMAZING. I was over come with joy, peace, and companionship. I was alone for so long and just in an instant, I didn't feel alone anymore.

August 30, 2003 was the start of this journey I am on. Not a lonely journey, but a journey with The Great companion. That day I accepted my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to reign in me. He still resides in my inner most self 6 1/2 years later. I have not always let Him be Lord of my life these past 6 years, but He is there. I chose Him and I have been forever marked in Him with a seal.

~And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, Ephesians 1:13

The New Me......

......is trying to be......more like HIM.

So many things have happened over the past many months that I have been away from blogging land. Good things, bad things, sad things, happy things, God things, evil things, painful things, heart things, growing things, dying things. LOTS of THINGS.

Things that I couldn't even begin to blog about right now. But I am hoping to start putting some of these things in writting and share them here soon.

I have decided that it is time to use this blog as I have wanted to use this blog for sometime now. I want to say what my heart and my mind are thinking and feeling without fear of what others may think or say. It is time for me to use this as an outlet or journal or reflection or whatever I see fit to use it as.

I am a new me, partly because of all these things that have happened over the past few months, but mostly because.....of HIM.....and my hearts desire to allow there to be more of HIM and less of me.

And I am ready to start sharing what the journey has looked like up to this point and what the journey will look like from this point on. Good, bad, and ugly. Because this journey includes God and HIS amazing love, grace, mercy, and faithfulness.....and I think THAT is worth sharing with anyone who will listen.

~He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30