How does a person put it in drive and make it out of that mess? Cause I need some serious 4x4 off road super charged with a hemi drive!
I can't say for sure when it all started (read: the minute I decided I was a better pilot than God), I can say that it has been going on for a little while (read: TOO long). I think I had something to do with it (read: I had EVERYTHING to do with it). Things don't seem to be looking up (read: I haven't been looking UP, to HIM). I really think I am not having much fun (read: this really sucks royally). I wish I knew what to do (read: HE knows that I know what to do). I am kinda being a little stubborn about getting out of this rut (read: I am being a royal pain in the rear and completely ignoring the obvious).
You know when you know what you have to do, but you just can't seem to do it? Well I do ALL too well.
God is the only thing that can get me out of this rut, but honestly I am kinda hurt and frustrated by God lately. That kinda puts a damper on me going to him for help, even though that is EXACTLY what I should do.
I am mad at church and even more mad that my husband and I can't agree on a church. I am sad that the church that we loved fell apart and even more sad that we don't even have relationships with some of those people anymore. I am devastated that our circle of friends and slowly grown smaller and even more devastated that my best friend ever is moving across the county to Washington DC for at least 3 years if not 1o. I am heart broken that my husband and I can't seem to be unified on anything lately and even more heart broken that neither of us can seem to see or even feel the other persons pain although we are supposed to be One. And I am furious at myself that I decided I didn't need God "that bad" these past months and even more furious that I can't just bring myself to him in the heaping tearful mess that I am because I feel like big fat loser and waste of His time. And to top it all off, I have been running and running for 2.5 months and haven't lost a single pound which totally adds to my ridiculous self image and worthlessness.
Dumb.
I had to vent. Mostly b.c. I need prayer. b.c. I am tired of pretending life is grand and oh so happy and perfect. Sometimes life sucks. And I know it could suck more. But life right now stinks. And I am tired of it..............
9 comments:
I hear you loud and clear, my dear lady.
I am mourning the loss of our group too, maybe the time of year, or Amanda leaving, or who knows what, but I miss the community.
I'll keep praying for you, and yoU? Keep running.
I am still laughing over the run last night. Beavis and Butthead Run Into The Wind.
I was thinking more like Dumb and Dumber!!
I feel the same way at times - let me know if I can help in any way! ;)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mathew%205:3-4;&version=65;
...this other link is to a post I wrote when pondering similar thoughts.
http://thejenniadventures.blogspot.com/2008/11/love-at-first-sight.html
I understand EXACTLY how you feel... I promise I do. I often feel the same way about every single concern you mentioned. ALL OF THEM! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, and if you ever need to chat to a stranger, I'm here!
Oh, Jazzy, you have my prayers. Remember that all relationships have their "dark" times, soldier through, put your faith in God and before you know it, you'll be "muddin' yer" way outta that rut!
PS--I found your blog via your running buddy (hilarious) via MckMama's Not Me! Monday!
I read your blog and thought, "Is this my post?" I think it's just how we are wired nowadays. WE can do it all on our own, and then it gets miserable, and we know we can't. But then we are so used to doing it on our own, we have so much pride built up, that we don't know how to lay it all at his feet!
So our life is this constant rollercoaster ride of fear, happiness, regret, joy, shame, spiritualness, isolation. But good thing he's there...all the time. Patiently waiting and holding you. The whole time.
Man he's good! I'll keep you in my prayers my dear...it will get better!!
Hey! Yes, we have a great small group! It's couples with small children (we all have kids ranging from baby to 4 years old). We meet on Tuesdays, but unfortunately we are done for the summer as of this week! We meet now once a month for a play date through the summer and then start up again in the fall and meet 3 tues. out of the month! You two are ALWAYS welcome to come hang out!
way to be real my friend...its only when we are real that Satan starts to lose his hold on us
I am praying......
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